I Didn't Tell My Children "No"

 

Communication Starts Early

Starting at a young age and even before birth, we communicate with our children.  Verbally or through facial expression, how we communicate with others can trigger happiness, sadness, anger or disappointment.

Babies know when we are happy and they know when we are angry.  Even my dog crawls away when I scold him as if he knows I am disappointed or angry.  So, with that in mind, I get frustrated when I hear parents in the store telling their child “no” you can’t have that toy.

I don’t think I ever told my kids no.  Instead, I asked them how they will pay for the item they cried for.  What will they give up to get that new toy?  Sometimes they would offer to do chores to earn money to buy something or, not wanting to give anything up, they would stop asking for wasteful items.  When I hear parents telling their child “no” without a deeper explanation, it makes the word seem useless.

I also didn’t make my children share.  If I was reading a book and someone asked me for it, should I stop reading it and offer it to the other person?  I never told my kids they must share.  I did say to them “make a deal”.  If you want something from someone, are you willing to wait and ask for it when they are done?  Would one child want to give up an item to another because they are told to?  Won’t that just make them resentful?   I never got between my two boys, 12 months apart if they both wanted a toy or game.  They always worked it out after knowing mom would tell them to figure it out.  Yes, some parents thought I was nuts when I told them my kids were not required to share their items.  I would tell the other parents to suggest their child makes a deal with mine.

When they were old enough to crawl, my kids had chores.  They started off lining up their shoes.  They didn’t have to match and even if there were just two shoes, they needed to be lined up.  Telling my kids to clean their room was wasteful energy.  What is clean to me may not be clean to others.  Instead, if it doesn’t belong on the floor, it needs a home. 

Communication is what makes up relationships, helps in understanding and can predict outcomes.  Good communication can make for the best outcomes.

Even today, the parents of my children’s friends remember I would tell all children playing in my home, when it's time to clean up, each child would find five or ten things to put back where they found it.  I remember one child asked, “is a deck of cards one thing or 52?”